Thursday, June 18, 2009

Lost between up and down

It's been awhile since I have posted. I've been lost trying to figure out up from down and left from right, and so far I still find myself lost.

Just a warning, this isn't going to be one of my typically silly posts.

I'm starting to feel like there is some sort of target on my head. That every time things start to get better something has to happen because "omg Trixie is getting happy again, we can't let that happen."

Well that's what happened ... again. It's been four months since my mother passed away, and about 9 months since my grandmother passed. And while I am still not my typical happy self, I am trying to get back into the swing of life because I know that they don't want me to be miserable forever. I still find it extremely hard to go a day without crying and the littlest things set me off. I expect that to continue for a long time, and my tears will never go away.

So here I was, finding myself a little closer to normal and then the rug was ripped from under my feet and I fell to the ground once again.

On Monday, I received a text from my dad saying "Hi daughters (sent to my sis and me) I have important news call me asap!" Well after seeing that, I called immediately. I thought maybe we finally got the cause of death, my grandmother's estate stuff was settled or something generally great happened.

Well, I beat my sister to the punch and got to him first. When he answered he seemed very shaky. He then said something along the lines that he figured that as his daughters we should be told the news first. At this point I was concerned that something was seriously wrong, possibly that he was terminally ill. But, no that wasn't it... it was something I never would have expected to hear.

"I'm engaged."

My jaw dropped and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. I was sitting at work, fighting my tears and couldn't even say a single word other than OK. He kept talking to me and I can't even remember what he said, I just know that the only thing I could say was OK.

My worst nightmare came true, and it was only four months after he was widowed. All these thoughts came rushing in and I was overwhelmed with tears. I left work because I couldn't handle sitting there anymore.

I figured he would eventually remarry, but never did I think it would be this soon. And while there "isn't a date set" I figure that it won't be years away like it should. I just don't know how you could logically think this is a good idea. I don't know how a woman could say yes, knowing the man's wife of 10 years died four months prior. Most importantly, I don't know how he could even consider proposing to a woman when his children haven't even heard of her or even know that he was dating.

So now I find myself lost. I haven't talked to him since, I've been eating my emotions, and sleep has been virtually non-existent. I don't know what to say to him, and I'm dreading looking him in the face on Father's Day. At first, I wanted to take back the overly extravagant gift my sister and I purchased for him. She decided that we shouldn't do that even though my thoughts are somewhere in the middle.

I feel like I should have my own reality TV show, and I think I'd be a billionaire by now.

I'm just so sick of all the bad shit, when will something good happen to me for once? And, when it does will I be able to enjoy for fear that something terrible is lurking around the corner?

12 comments:

Tamela said...

Wow that was soon. Talk about unexpected. I know that must be hard. It's hard when my mom got enaged to a the guy she cheated on my dad with. Thankfully, that didn't last. Sounds like you, your sister and your dad need to have a sit down chat. I hope your day gets better. Keep us posted.

Kristen said...

wow, that's definitely a blow to swallow. Good luck to you on dealing with this news, and also on facing him this weekend!

Melissa said...

Sometime bad things happen in waves. Horrible things just keep crashing on you until it calms down. Things will get better,they have to!
My heart goes out to you, and I wish you luck with facing him on Father's day.

=)

Moonjava said...

Wow, I'm so sorry about the unexpected event! I hope you get a chance to sit down with everyone to talk.

Hugs, and I'm thinking of you and hoping things get better!

teasinglydiverse said...

Aw, hon...I'm sorry :) Hope that you all are able to talk it out...but I know that talking doesn't take away the hurt.

teasinglydiverse said...

And that was supposed to be a :(, not a :)

Stacie said...

I'm so sorry Trixie. :(

Jessica said...

Oh Trixie, I know what it's like to go through some really tough times just stay strong alright? You will get through it sooner or later.

I'm sorry about your mom and grandmom's death. I get hurt by stories like this because I can't imagine myself losing my parents. Just hold on, okay?

Mrs.Shu said...

I cannot even imagine what you are going through...I lost my dad a few years ago but have not had to cross this bridge yet, although I'm sure I will one day. Luckily you have your sister to lean on and hopefully you two can work through this.

Ella Everywhere said...

oh wow, my jaw dropped a little when I was reading that. That is so crazy, and I have to say very inconsiderate of your father to just drop a bomb on you like that. Wow..

a H.I.T. said...

Oh Trixie. I don't even know how to respond. What a crazy mixed up world we live in.

ReRe said...

i'm so sorry.

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