Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Friday makes one month...

So Friday makes one month since my mother's funeral. I know I haven't written about it on here, and wasn't sure I would ever be able to. But here is my attempt to at least express a little bit of these feelings that never seem to go away.

On February 24, 2009 I received a phone call saying my mother had passed away. It was about 4:15 p.m. and I was sitting at my desk until I lost all composure. I ran into the bathroom and proceeded to cry my eyes out and scream and cuss. I am positive the entire floor heard me and that probably the one under and above me did as well. I couldn't contain myself. I honestly felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and torn into little pieces right in front of me....sadly that feeling hasn't gone away since.

My mother was my hero, a woman I only hoped to aspire to be. She had me at 16-years-old and instead of doing the easy thing, she became a mother. She overcame several illnesses and she worked through a lot of injuries. She was a fighter to say the least.

Growing up wasn't easy with such a young mom, it never is, but I would never change anything. Well I guess I would do it all again just to spend more time with her. I also have siblings that I love very much. I have two sisters 18 and 6 and one brother who is 8. Big age gap right?

Here's the kicker...my mom was 42...barely.

Even though it has been a month we don't have an answer on how she died. While she had some medical problems, she had the best week of her life prior to her passing. And was the most active I had seen her since she was in her last car wreck. I saw her just a few days before and spent a few hours with her. I don't know what I would have done if I had to tell her I couldn't have made it. I already feel guilty for not spending as much time with her as I should have. It is driving me absolutely mad not knowing what happened.

Not to mention I can't get it out of my head that she isn't here and everything I will miss out on experiencing with her. I got an invitation to a wedding and all I could thing of is my mom won't be there for mine, I see mother's day commericals and think wow I don't have anyone to buy a present for, I think about being a mother someday and realize I don't have that person to hold my hand when things get tough.

Then I think about my two little siblings and how much this will change their lives. I also think about how my sister and I will have to step in as "pseudo-mommy" knowing we could never be that woman. It just isn't right. No child should have to lose their parent at such a young age. Especially a woman as kind hearted and loving as my mom.

There are people on the streets every day killing people like it's no big deal. Yet, my mother is ripped off this planet like she didn't deserve it. And now I have to figure out a way to put myself together and help my dad pick up the pieces.

Every night I find myself begging for one last chance to tell her I love here, one last chance to call her and once last hug.

Four months prior to that I lost my grandmother and still haven't be able to completely grieve her loss. A few years before that I lost my grandfather. Growing up these were the three most important people in my life. They were the only family I ever felt close to, and now I lost them all.

It just hurts, and sadly I'm crying my eyes out as I write this.

All I can say is this, I know it is easy to take your family for granted, I did it myself. But one tip I can pass on is try to let them know you love them as much as possible because one day you could end up in my boat, completely unsure why you lost someone so important.

I'm sorry if this seems all rambled, I really just wrote down some of the thoughts in my head. I guess it is more of an "unconventional post."

If anyone has gone through the same thing and has some advice feel free to email me at swooningthecity@gmail.com.


Reinventing C said...

Wow, I don't know what to say. I feel your grief and wish that I could say something to help.

a H.I.T. said...

I can't begin to imagine all the emotions that you are feeling or your grief. My thoughts are with you as you make your way through this hard time.

Oats said...

I'm sorry for your loss. It must have been very difficult to write this post, but it is good to get it out.

Lil' Woman said...

I'm sooo sorry to hear about your lost, I couldn't imagine losing my mom esp. under uncertain circumstances. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time.

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